Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Not A Great Week

Just a warning this is a fairly emotional rant about men so read it at your own risk.

As you know, if you are a regular reader, I recently became a Slumber Parties distributor. I have now booked my first three parties. They're all for September but that's okay it gives me time to build up my inventory and work on my presentation. I just can't wait for that first party. I know it'll be soooo much fun.

In less exciting news my fiance decided that my debts outweighed my love for him and left me last Thursday. He says that he still loves me and wants me in his life, but if you read his blog (link removed because he's an ass) you'll see that he has plans on moving to SLC. How, if I do decide to give him another chance, is that possibly going to work?

I haven't decided yet if I am going to give him another chance because it will always be in the back of my mind, "What happens the next time I do something he doesn't like?", "What happens the next time something from my past comes up?" That's not a good foundation on which to build a relationship.

He thinks that he can somehow make his leaving me at the first sign of trouble a good thing. That he's not trying to blackmail me by giving me a list of things that I have to do before I can have him back in my life. Personally I feel that if I do these things, just to get him back, I'll be giving up control of my life that I don't want to give up. The stupid thing is the things on this list are things that I was planning on doing anyway, without him doing "something drastic" to make me see. I was already planning on paying off my debts and going back to school. Why the hell does he think I started my Slumber Parties business? So I can get away from the Monday to Friday full time job and focus on school and getting debt free. It wasnt' just because I thought it'd be fun. I really plan on making something out of this business. I'm also looking forward to not having to deal with corporate America for a while.

Talk about hypocritical he wont be debt free, as he claims, when we were to get married, he'll still have his student loans. I know a lot of you don't see that as debt but it is. Just because it's deferred doesn't mean it's not real. He's also told me that he plans on not going to school this semester. So I have to do things that he doesn't just to make him happy? Just to have him in my life? How is that at all fair? How is that not controlling? How is withdrawing his love and affection from me until I do the things that make HIM happy not blackmail?

I don't know what to do. I love him and it still hurts whenever anybody mentions him at work, we have the same employer, or when I find something that he left behind. I just don't know if I can continue to love someone that gives up on me instead of fighting for me.

He says that we have communication problems and that's probably true. It's not easy for me to share my feelings with people. I've been taught my whole life that I have to be self reliant and not allow myself to become dependant on anyone so I internalize. I always have. I know that's not good for a relationship but neither is giving up after one glib answer and not pushing for more and honestly trying to get a real answer.

Okay I have to stop now. I'm sure you're all sick of reading my ramblings. I have things to do to get my hostess ready for her party in 3 weeks. Hope I didn't bring you all down with this.