Thursday, August 14, 2008


Why do non-funny people even try to be funny? It's just sad really.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Why does a hangnail or paper cut hurt so goddamn bad? I think I'd rather cut my finger off.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


Why do adult children torture themselves with week long "vacations" driving their parents around Texas and Oklahoma?

Monday, August 11, 2008

Knitting Nightmare #2

The evil that is Fun Fur should be blasted off the face of the planet. As well as the person that invented it.

When I was still living with my mom my niece came to visit for Christmas. She saw me knitting and decided that she wanted to learn. So we went to the local Wal-Mart and bought cheap yarn and needles so she could learn how to knit. I didn’t want to let her use my expensive bamboo or wool. She decided that she wanted a bright blue fun fur. I tried to dissuade her and get some nice smooth light acrylic yarn. She poo poo’d that idea. So we get the fun fur and some size 10.5 needles.

We take it all back to the house and I try to teach her to knit by having her sit in my lap so she can see exactly what I’m doing and copy the movements. She gave up on the fun fur so I handed her some nice smooth light acrylic yarn. After about 3 minutes of this she gives up and says she can’t do it. I keep trying to get her to knit and she keeps saying she can’t. I eventually give up.

I still have this bright blue fun fur however and no idea what to do with it. She decides that she wants the little kerchief pattern on the ball band. So I cast on my one stitch and start the painful task of making a neck kerchief with a KFB of the first stitch on each row.

I hated this after the about the 3rd row and wanted to throw it away. However I had promised my niece that I would make her this damned kerchief and so I would finish it. It took me about 3 years. There were several times where I would pick it up thinking it won’t take me long to finish then I can be done with it. Those periods only lasted about 10 minutes before I became disgusted. Then I would throw it back in my bag cursing the evil that is Fun Fur. The periods in my bag lasted much longer than 10 minutes.

It’s done. I’ve bound off. I still have to weave in the ends and mail it to her though. Not sure if she even still wants it. It’s been so long since she said she did. Maybe I’ll give it to my local animal shelter for some cat to snuggle with. It’s not really good for much else.


Why do the firemen always eat at the pizza place down the strip from me? Not that I'm complaining. They're not bad to look at, but you'd think they'd try to eat something a little more healthy than pizza.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Breaking In

In case you’re new here I spent a month in Paris when I was 17. It was a graduation gift to me; and Uncle Sam. We went with a local Community College as a group of about 30 people. We stayed in the dorms at La Citè.

My room was on the troisième floor, which in America would actually be the 4th floor not the 3rd. The first floor is 0 in France and most of Europe for some strange reason. This was also the top floor of the dorm. My room was in the corner of the building by the street which meant that I could look out my window and see a beautiful park.

The windows in these rooms opened inward and had very deep sills. I spent quite a bit of time sitting in my window doing my homework. The buildings were old enough that they had large stone ledges around the outside of the building. Being on the top floor the roof sloped away pretty quickly from the ledge. I also spent time standing on the ledge and leaning against the roof.

I was hanging out with my friend Lily one day when it started to get late. We had class the next day and decided to call it a night. Lily had apparently forgotten her key. Her roommate was already asleep and wouldn’t wake up to the knocking on the door, or the ringing of the phone.

We looked out one of my rooms windows and saw that her roommate had left the window open. There was no AC in this building. Having been in the rock climbing club in High School I have no fear of heights or hanging onto stone with my bare hands.

Since her bedroom window was open I decided to walk along the ledge outside the building to get into her window and let her into her room. Needless to say when I jumped down inside her dorm room her roommate woke up. Pounding on the door? No. Screaming telephone? No. 17 year old girl landing in her room? YES!

She wasn’t very happy. She started screaming at me to “Get out!!” I tried to calm her down by letting her know who I was but that just seemed to make her even angrier. She actually got out of bed and started chasing me towards the door.

Meanwhile Lily is waiting out in the hall for me to open the door. When I finally get there to open it she has this huge smile on her face, like she’s trying very hard not to laugh. I’m sure had I seen a mirror I would have seen the same expression on my face.

We both laughed our asses off about it the next day. Thought it was the funniest thing on the trip so far. This was about one week in. There was a lot more hilarity after this.

Our teacher from the states, who grew up in Paris and wasn’t staying at the dorms, came to talk to me the next day. Tried to yell at me and tell me he was going to send me home early. When I explained the situation and what we had tried first he changed his mind. This woman, whose name escapes me, was less than pleased to see me on the bus for the field trip the next day.

She tried to get the rest of the students after me too. When Lily and I explained what had happened they all laughed along with us. She didn’t make very many friends in Paris.

Come back later for more installments of my fun times in Paris. Like the time three of us chased a beggar off the metro.


When will the hot go away?