Constipation Studies

So I'm driving to my studio this morning listening to the local oldies radio station. I hear a commercial for Lifetree Clinical Research. They're doing a study on constipation. Specifically on opiate narcotics and the effects on bowel mobility. The commercial wasn't clear on that point.

I've had constipation problems since I was a baby. My mom said the first time I had a solid movement it scared her because it was bigger than what she could do. Since then it hasn't gotten better. I'll go three or four days sometimes between movements if I don't take a laxative or get enough fiber in my diet; and I start getting nauseous after eating towards the end of that time.

When those blessed days come I can spend as much as 30 minutes on the toilet. I don't try to rush things. Just let them happen naturally. This is learned after one time trying to rush it and tearing myself. Not good.

So I call the number and I start talking to this lady who's accepting applications at the research center.

Me: "I'm calling about the constipation study."

Her: "Oh Great! You have constipation?"

Me: "Since I was a baby. Scared my mom once when I was still in diapers."

Her actually sounding like she really cares: "Oh my you poor thing. Well let me ask. Are you taking opiates?"

Me: "No. Is that what you're looking for? People taking opiate narcotics?"

Her: "Yes. Well...hold on a second let me check something really quick."

Hold Music

Her: "Are you still there?"

Me: "Yes"

Her: "We're not looking for control subjects at this time. But you know you can look online for other places that might be doing research that can help you." In her most concerned voice, "I'm so sorry we couldn't help you."

I just about pissed myself laughiong at that, after hanging up of course. She really felt bad that I can't shit on a regular basis. Or at least she sounded like she cared. She takes her job a little too seriously.